Light and Dark

it’s black saturday again and to be honest, i can barely remember what happened this time last year. actually, i remember smack. i don’t know what happened anymore.

right now, i’m just at the back of the crowd, leaning against the wall and casually typing away on my phone while they all devoutly listen to the priest.

everyone has candles in hand but i’m just here with my phone, tuning out the religious words. the girl child calls my attention, telling me to turn my eyes to the priest and the fire. she beckons me to get closer to the commotion but i simply stare at her before looking towards my phone once more. i don’t want to be here but i have to stay; they don’t know i’m a non-believer.

we’re all inside now, and it seems i’m one of the few without a candle. “do you want me to get you one?” someone asks but i shake my head and smile. “but we’re going to renew our baptismal vows,” they reasoned but i just shook my head. i don’t want to say things i don’t believe in.

all the lights are off, as is the usual practice during the easter vigil mass. people have their phones and flashlights out and i feel like i’m going blind. white spots dance in my vision as they enter my eyes. the stark contrast of the multitude of small lights against the darkness is hurting my eyes; it’s making my head ache. i don’t think this is the right occasion to have worn contact lenses.

what is this? my ears feel like someone stuffed them with cotton. it‘s like an airplane ride where you yawn to remove the thing in your ears. but, i’m not in a plane. i’m sitting in the first pew of the chapel, cold rising from my feet to my hands as the beginnings of a panic attack envelopes me. i feel nauseous and it’s like i’m on the brink of fainting. i crack my neck, as tension was starting to build there; but it did nothing to alleviate the heaviness.

another reader takes her place in front and the beam of her flashlight shines directly into my eyes. my heart is beating warily, sensing the panic building in my stomach. i feel hot; but not the good kind. cold wind attacks my skin and my body creates heat, trying to fight the artificial breeze the fans are making. my stomach turns, and i wonder if i’m just hungry, or about to hurl. i feel like i’m falling but i’m still sitting down. i feel out of balance but i’m steady on my feet; or at least, i think so.

i look up, wanting to tune in again so that they won’t get suspicious. but the flashlight beam is adamant; it shines straight into my eyes with no sign of stopping. behind me, another flashlight is on and the brightness still manages to reach my pupils.

“i don’t like this!” my mind screams, sending all my organs into an anxious frenzy. “me too,” i reply, dizzy. i decide to keep my head down to minimize the damage the lights are inflicting upon me. but even then, i’m not safe. even when i close my eyes, brightness taunts me through my eyelids.

i can’t wait for this to end.

31 march 2018

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I’ve been getting worse but, I’m working on getting better

It’s been a while since I gave myself time to actually take a step back from everything and assess how I’m truly feeling; most of the time I just keep it all bottled up. When I have homework or I need to study for a test, I tend to set all my feelings aside and bury them all at the back of my mind. When I’m on “work mode”, I am blank; I am empty, non-feeling. But once I have nothing to distract myself with, all those hidden emotions and pain resurface. With nothing to shield myself from the onslaught of negative thoughts, I become a prisoner to my own mind; constantly bombarded with things that aren’t even true.

I experience verbal abuse from the demons in my head. They tell me I’m worthless, irrelevant. They hack at my insecurities and convince me that the world is better off without me. But in my twisted state, even with assurance from those I love, I believe them. The demons laugh and enjoy the torture, knowing that they’ve got me under their control.

There are times I break and come close to ending my story; but there’s always something that stops me. Sometimes, it’s the words from people who care. Sometimes, it’s my own fear of pushing through with it. But nowadays, what’s stopping me is a promise I made: to never cause myself any more harm. This, and the hope of a good future, is something that keeps me going; something that helps me fight those demons that make my life a living hell.

My story doesn’t have a happy ending; but, that’s because it’s still going. It’s a difficult war because I’m fighting against myself and oftentimes, I find my ‘sober’ side to be the one losing. Despite that, however, I don’t see the point in giving up. I may be a prisoner to my own mind, but I’m working on breaking free from the shackles that keep me from owning my life and living it to the fullest; instead of just living it for other people’s sakes.

It’s been a while since I gave myself time to actually take a step back from everything and assess how I’m truly feeling; but now, I think it’s high time to let myself breathe and get better.

Bakit Sa Tuwing

bakit sa tuwing ako’y masaya,
maya’t maya’y biglang maglalaho
ang liwanag sa’king mga mata
at ang kasiyaha’y tuluyang mawawala?

bakit sa tuwing katawa’y manghihina;
pagtapos kong gumaling
ay ‘di pa rin maalis ang lumbay
na tuluyang sumasakop sa puso’t isipan?

bakit sa tuwing nagkakaro’n ng problema,
ako’y tila hindi na makatakas
mula sa mahigpit na hawak
ng matinding kalungkutan?

bakit sa tuwing lakas ay nanunumbalik,
may darating na pangyayaring
lubos na wawasak sa bagong tatag
na kumpiyansa sa sarili?

bakit?

friendzone

hindi ko alam kung paano ito gawin
hindi ko alam kung anong dapat gawin
kung pwede lang na hindi ito bigkasin
pero ayaw ko naman na ika’y paasahin

‘wag mo nang isipin na mayroong pagkakataon
na magkakaroon ng tayong magtatagal ng taon
patawarin mo ako, sapagkat hindi ko maibabalik
ang iyong inaasam na pagmamahal
at hinihinging halik

Soaked to the Bones

Tired, cold, and hungry; that’s how I felt while we were walking down the street from our campus leading to the main highway. I was soaking wet from the knees down as we fought against the strong winds and unending rain. My shoes were constantly squeaking and I could feel bubbles forming against my feet.

If that wasn’t bad enough, we had to contend with the frequent lightning and thunder that would make us jump in surprise. And, our very good fortune didn’t stop there! While we were walking, the streetlamp flickered and died. As if walking in cold, flowing murky water wasn’t an enough challenge; we had to do it in the dark!

We’re just lucky that Arenn was able to get a taxi as soon as we got to the main highway. If not, we would have been so screwed.

On the ride to town, so many things were running through my mind…

We could have went home earlier, if only we didn’t have a Student Government meeting.

We would not have been drenched in rainwater and runoff, if only we left as soon as the meeting’s original agenda was met.

We would not have been at school until 6:20 in the evening, if only the meeting was adjourned earlier.

All these ‘if only’s; however, there’s nothing we could do. We do not command the heavens; we cannot simply say, “Rain, thunder, stop!” and end the torment that the torrential rains bring upon us. We can only adjust ourselves in line with the fact that the later time of day it is, the higher the probability of strong rain.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Ulan

napakalakas ng buhos ng ulan
para bang sumasabay sa aking nadarama
gulong-gulo ang aking damdamin
sapagkat hindi ko na alam kung ano ang tama

ako’y lubusan nang nalilito
lahat nalang, naghahalu-halo
paano na magpapatuloy
kung aking kaluluwa’y tila nagyeyelo?

sa dinami-rami ng mga responsibilidad
ako’y hindi mapalagay sa aking iisipin
kung kaya’t idinadaan na lang sa pagnood
ng pbb, at iba’t ibang pagkain

hindi ko maintindihan aking nararamdaman
ni hindi man lang mailabas ang saloobin
ilang linggo na ang nakalipas ngunit
ang dilim ay nakapaligid pa rin