I’ve been getting worse but, I’m working on getting better

It’s been a while since I gave myself time to actually take a step back from everything and assess how I’m truly feeling; most of the time I just keep it all bottled up. When I have homework or I need to study for a test, I tend to set all my feelings aside and bury them all at the back of my mind. When I’m on “work mode”, I am blank; I am empty, non-feeling. But once I have nothing to distract myself with, all those hidden emotions and pain resurface. With nothing to shield myself from the onslaught of negative thoughts, I become a prisoner to my own mind; constantly bombarded with things that aren’t even true.

I experience verbal abuse from the demons in my head. They tell me I’m worthless, irrelevant. They hack at my insecurities and convince me that the world is better off without me. But in my twisted state, even with assurance from those I love, I believe them. The demons laugh and enjoy the torture, knowing that they’ve got me under their control.

There are times I break and come close to ending my story; but there’s always something that stops me. Sometimes, it’s the words from people who care. Sometimes, it’s my own fear of pushing through with it. But nowadays, what’s stopping me is a promise I made: to never cause myself any more harm. This, and the hope of a good future, is something that keeps me going; something that helps me fight those demons that make my life a living hell.

My story doesn’t have a happy ending; but, that’s because it’s still going. It’s a difficult war because I’m fighting against myself and oftentimes, I find my ‘sober’ side to be the one losing. Despite that, however, I don’t see the point in giving up. I may be a prisoner to my own mind, but I’m working on breaking free from the shackles that keep me from owning my life and living it to the fullest; instead of just living it for other people’s sakes.

It’s been a while since I gave myself time to actually take a step back from everything and assess how I’m truly feeling; but now, I think it’s high time to let myself breathe and get better.

Advertisements

Bakit Sa Tuwing

bakit sa tuwing ako’y masaya,
maya’t maya’y biglang maglalaho
ang liwanag sa’king mga mata
at ang kasiyaha’y tuluyang mawawala?

bakit sa tuwing katawa’y manghihina;
pagtapos kong gumaling
ay ‘di pa rin maalis ang lumbay
na tuluyang sumasakop sa puso’t isipan?

bakit sa tuwing nagkakaro’n ng problema,
ako’y tila hindi na makatakas
mula sa mahigpit na hawak
ng matinding kalungkutan?

bakit sa tuwing lakas ay nanunumbalik,
may darating na pangyayaring
lubos na wawasak sa bagong tatag
na kumpiyansa sa sarili?

bakit?

Habang Nagkaklase

may mga panahon habang nagkaklase
na kahit anong gawin mo
walang wala ka nang maintindihan

tipo bang wala ka na sa focus
at nakatitig na lang sa board
minsan na, sa bintana pa ang tingin

magtatanong ang teacher
“class, gets niyo ba?”
tatango ka nang ‘di mo napapansin

at sa oras na magising ka na
mula sa sarili mong mundo
wala kang maintindihan at nakalayo na sila

friendzone

hindi ko alam kung paano ito gawin
hindi ko alam kung anong dapat gawin
kung pwede lang na hindi ito bigkasin
pero ayaw ko naman na ika’y paasahin

‘wag mo nang isipin na mayroong pagkakataon
na magkakaroon ng tayong magtatagal ng taon
patawarin mo ako, sapagkat hindi ko maibabalik
ang iyong inaasam na pagmamahal
at hinihinging halik